When a baby is born it looks around for its mother. It is comforted by her voice, her smell, and her touch. No one can replace that bond of security between that child and its mother. The baby is born knowing. The baby depends upon the mother for safety and security from the beginning of life. It knows nothing else. Sometimes it is easier to think of a baby as expendable. If I do it before it says momma then it won’t matter. It will be easier this way. No one will know, except you, God,
and the baby.
The tiny undeniable sounds of a heartbeat
The screen shows a flutter, and then another
A muscle spasm of sorts, extremely tiny and can’t be felt
It is the heartbeat of a tiny baby
Not yet physically a boy or girl
Destined to be one or the other
It sucks on its thumb and moves its arms and legs
Look at that smile; it sticks out its tongue
Count the fingers and toes one through twenty
They wiggle and clasp not at random but with purpose
A miracle, a gift from God
It lies comfortably in its mother’s womb
What does it think about while floating
You can see the difference in heartbeat while sleeping
Serene, silent, peaceful
Oh my god how could this happen
I am too busy to have children
I am too young to be a momma
I don’t even like the guy
I am still in school
My parents will kill me
It’s still early enough it’s not a baby yet
It’s only been a few weeks
No one needs to know
It’s my body, It’s my choice
It might hurt for a day but then everything will be fine
No harm no foul
Scared, informed, educated
The stillness and quiet is shaken
There is something in here with me
What is that, it’s cold
My tears, my cries go unheard
I push it away but it is huge
It grabs my arm and pulls the first one off
My heart rate is too high
What little blood I have is spilling out
I am still alive
It pulls off my leg and it hurts so bad
Am I not supposed to feel pain
I do
Both of my legs and arms are now gone
I am fading fast
What more can they do to me, let me die peacefully
I’m sorry momma for hurting you so much
That you needed to do this, but I forgive you
That hook is back again
It is around my neck now
I’m sorry mom…
A tear falls from her eye as the doctor says it’s over
Life can return to normal now
She can return to school or work
She can go out with friends
She can drink and party
And the worse thing is that
She can do it all over again
And again
And again
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