When a baby is born it looks around for its mother.  It is comforted by her voice, her smell, and her touch.  No one can replace that bond of security between that child and its mother.  The baby is born knowing.  The baby depends upon the mother for safety and security from the beginning of life.  It knows nothing else.  Sometimes it is easier to think of a baby as expendable.  If I do it before it says momma then it won’t matter.  It will be easier this way.  No one will know, except you, God,

and the baby.

The tiny undeniable sounds of a heartbeat

The screen shows a flutter, and then another

A muscle spasm of sorts, extremely tiny and can’t be felt

It is the heartbeat of a tiny baby

Not yet physically a boy or girl

Destined to be one or the other

It sucks on its thumb and moves its arms and legs

Look at that smile; it sticks out its tongue

Count the fingers and toes one through twenty

They wiggle and clasp not at random but with purpose

A miracle, a gift from God

It lies comfortably in its mother’s womb

What does it think about while floating

You can see the difference in heartbeat while sleeping

Serene, silent, peaceful

Oh my god how could this happen

I am too busy to have children

I am too young to be a momma

I don’t even like the guy

I am still in school

My parents will kill me

It’s still early enough it’s not a baby yet

It’s only been a few weeks

No one needs to know

It’s my body, It’s my choice

It might hurt for a day but then everything will be fine

No harm no foul

Scared, informed, educated

The stillness and quiet is shaken

There is something in here with me

What is that, it’s cold

My tears, my cries go unheard

I push it away but it is huge

It grabs my arm and pulls the first one off

My heart rate is too high

What little blood I have is spilling out

I am still alive

It pulls off my leg and it hurts so bad

Am I not supposed to feel pain

I do

Both of my legs and arms are now gone

I am fading fast

What more can they do to me, let me die peacefully

I’m sorry momma for hurting you so much

That you needed to do this, but I forgive you

That hook is back again

It is around my neck now

I’m sorry mom…

A tear falls from her eye as the doctor says it’s over

Life can return to normal now

She can return to school or work

She can go out with friends

She can drink and party

And the worse thing is that

She can do it all over again

And again

And again

Smiling-Baby-Ultrasound